Gift Giving
Christmas carols are, for me, the best part of the holiday season. One of my favorites is In the Bleak Midwinter, a classic English hymn often sung by cathedral choirs. It brings tears to my eyes, especially these lines: What can I give Him, poor as I am?... I can give my heart.” Check out this youtube link for the song in its entirety.
Listening to it last night started me thinking about gift giving. Most of us lament the commercialism of the season- Black Friday and Cyber Monday and the lines at the big box stores. Yet, most of us do some amount of shopping and gift giving for the holidays. I have only a few people on my list these days. The young adults want money or gift certificates and older family members buy what they need as they need it. Long -time friends and I have too much clutter and chose to go out to dinner together rather than exchange presents. All this is good and as it should be.
But I miss the thrill of thinking of just the right gift and bustling out on a snowy evening to find it. I miss seeing the delight in a loved one’s eye when they are surprised by the new favorite thing they hadn’t even known to ask for. I never showered people with gifts like Oprah, but I did choose some special things over the years. And I have been gifted with some truly memorable ones, too.
What has been most special in both the giving and receiving is the gift that shows listening and support and that extra effort. During my consulting days, customer service training talked about the Platinum Rule. We all know the Golden Rule: Do Unto Others, as you would have people do unto you. All major religions have a variation of the same. And, indeed, it is a powerful value worth honoring. But the platinum rule lifts it up a notch: Do Unto Others, As THEY WOULD LIKE TO BE DONE UNTO.
In gift-giving, it basically is saying get folks things they would love, not things you would love. I think that is a great rule of thumb. I remember shopping with a colleague who would say “I love this, I’m going to buy it!” When I would ask for whom, she would reply she wasn’t sure but it was too great to pass up. How different from an approach based on matching the desires, hopes and dreams if not simply preferences of others.
This is not about cost but rather about showing caring. I remember my mom and I creating scrapbooks for my young cousins. Their grandmother had bought them big item gifts, basically throwing money rather than time and attention at the task of gift-giving. It was the scrapbooks that they enjoyed most that day and later treasured.
Part of that, of course, was motivated by wanting praise. Remember the story of the grandmother (often described as elderly ethnic woman of the Old World) who buys her grandson 2 sweaters-one green, one navy blue. The young man comes done wearing the green one and her comment is: “So, what was wrong with the navy sweater?” It’s a great illustration that gift-giving should not be all about the gift-giver and their need to be recognized.
But getting back to our Christmas carol, gift-giving is more that the giving of tangible gifts like the lamb or the gold, frankincense and myrrh of Bethlehem. While the story of the gifts of the Wise Men is celebrated far and wide. The shepherds and he Magi came to honor the Christ Child and that motivation is what truly lies at the heart of the story.
Honoring one another, offering gifts of love and meaning, symbols of affirmation and encouragement is, to me, what gift-giving is really about. It is putting the Christ in Christmas.
In Eternal Echoes: Celtic Reflections on Our Yearning to Belong, John O’Donahue tells us: “One of the most beautiful gifts in the world is the gift of encouragement”. I would add that the platinum rule applies here.
May we all be gifted and give the gift of love, being truly seen and encouraged this holiday season.